Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Wine Theory

Today we revisit my list of why the yoga world (hence forth referred to as YW) is far superior to the real world (RW). For those of you just dropping in, a quick re-cap: The Real World is warped. I have decided the Yoga World is much more pleasant and I intend to stay here. There, that should be all you need to know to continue.

Reason #2: The Wine Theory

At my current age, 32, the RW considers me past my prime. From this day forth I can expect a slow but steady morphing from the fine red wine of my youth to vinegar. With my best years behind me, I had better hope that either I did all the man-chasing I needed already, or that I am seriously loaded so I can afford to take off a few inches of neck waddle every few years.

While I am not bothered by my age, I do get a wee perturbed at the notion that I have to spend increasing amounts of wealth on creams to prevent wrinkles which I earned. I have what the cosmetic industry disrespectfully refers to as, "crow's feet" at the corners of my eyes at the ripe age of 32. It's because I smile so darned much. My hands are skinny with melon-sized knuckles installed in the fingers. Large veins lace the backs of those same hands giving the impression I have somehow robbed an old woman's corpse of its mitts. These are my hands. Years of dipping those hands into turpentine to clean paint brushes contributed to those granny hands of mine. While I agree that I would prefer my eyes or hands to be covered in taught flesh, I feel pretty confident that the current state of my flesh is not an indicator of my impending doom.

I do not appreciate the world telling me that people my age should look like 20-somethings.* My twenties were like a second hormone-infused manic puberty. I wouldn't want to go through that again, nor do I want to look like the reckless near-adult I was. Yeah, the pictures looked great, but I know what porridge was behind those flawlessly-painted cats' eyes.

RW: I can only await further decline. My only struggle left is to maintain dignity as I transform into a toothless pile of pock-marked flesh.

In the YW every day is a new improvement. No matter what your age, regular attendance insures steadily increasing strength, flexibility and precision of mind. I have multiple yogis I aspire to who are many years my senior. As I have stated previously, my eventual goal is tiger scorpion. I think it is the most beautiful pose I have ever seen and I want it with a zealousness that could choke small mammals. I know I will get there, it will just take time. A long time. I tell my friend, only half joking, that it may take until I am 90. I look forward to being the only one in the old-folks home that can stand on their head, supported by their forearms.

 YW: I will always be improving. Wine never past its prime, we can develop character, depth and grace for our whole lives...and the ability to touch our heads to our butts, (which is way-impressive in the retirement community).
* Yes, I realize I am only two years into my thirties. Keep in mind we are talking here about what the world has decided a 20-something looks like, which is what I looked like from 21-25.


  1. Excellent post! I really enjoy your blog....I also attend Bikram Yoga Andersonville and am working on improving my flexibility and overall strength. It's helped my chronic back problems immensely. And at 34, I was called last week "middle aged" I almost punched the person in the face, really hard. Rock on with your bad self!

  2. Kelly, Thank you! My favorite part about this comment, the part that had me rolling on the floor, "really hard." I concur that punching this person would not have enough emotion behind it. Punching them REALLY, possibly really, REALLY, hard would be necessary to convey the frustration.

    PS If you see me in the locker, say, "Hi! Im Kelly!" so I can get a face with a name attached!

  3. Heck yes, yogis just get better with age!! I heard a GREAT story this week - so good that I retold it in class last night. One of my students has a Bikram yoga bumper sticker on her car, and another parent at the school asked her, "oh, what's that?" She said, "oh, it's from a Bikram yoga studio." He then told her the following story:

    When his mom was 87 years old, she had a stroke. She came through it ok, but the hospital told her to go back for a check-up a couple weeks later. Two weeks later, she shows up in the doctor's office. The doctor says, "How are you doing?" and she says "I'm very angry."
    "Okay, why are you angry?"
    "My BALANCE. Is NO good."
    "Okay, tell me where you have been noticing this."
    "WELL, in my standing head to knee, when I look at my stomach to put my head on my knee, I start to get nauseous and I lose my balance."
    To explain, she got up and demonstrated what she was talking about. "See, here when I bring my elbows down it's fine, but when I do THIS and put my head on my knee, I get dizzy."

    87 years old, baby. She started yoga in the 1960's and started Bikram in the '90s. That is our future!!

  4. OH MY WORD. I want to illustrate this! The world must know (not that my few, but glorious, readers qualify as the world). Would you mind terribly asking this student to email me ( so I can request using his story for an entry? Of COURSE I would give you both credit. This is just too fantastic not to give a formal post! :D

  5. Great post (again), Kate!! I love the YW!!! This is the first time in my life that I can look into a mirror partially dressed and not want to look away (all the time anyway..). I truly wish I started much earlier....... But, like you, I am curious how my practice will be into my 80's and 90's ...hahaha.

    ......and IF I have a stroke, I hope that I will be doing standing head to knee 2 weeks after!!!

    PS With your fierceness, you will get that pose well before your 90's....35?--or less :)

  6. With your incredibly active lifestyle I find it hard to believe you didn't always have a tight figure. I do, however, believe that yoga has made it easier to accept and love the body you have. I hope we can practice together well into our 90s. ;)

    PS Fierceness? I like it! RAWR!

  7. Kate :) ........I was talking about 'acceptance' , not a tight body :D ....although, that is good, too.