Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Decline

My mood swings are monumental in a way that makes Liza Minnelli look stable. Yoga has helped me even them out a bit and come to terms with the ones I can't manage gracefully. Still, during slumps, I whine about going to yoga the way a 6 year old whines about going to Sunday school -- complete with shoe throwing. Or, if you were a creative kid like me, hiding in the closet and refusing to get out of your pajamas by anything other than force. At any rate, this sort of behavior is REALLY unbecoming of a 30-something.

I had decided that the only way to get myself to stop making excuses was to include practice into my daily routine. If I was to go everyday, martini lunch be damned, I would, in theory, stop whining and just do it. Actually, this worked pretty well. The result has been far fewer hours spent wandering around the house, shoulders slumped, jaw slack, kicking things in my path, complaining about the impending yoga. The irony here is that I complain like this knowing that I will emerge from class the bright, pert woman I wish I was all the time. It is the only sure-fire cure for slumps that I have ever found. Does this knowledge make me skip into class merrily waving my rolled up yoga mat like a baton? Never.

What happens now, the shortened fit I have come to accept as my daily routine, is so predictable as to be obnoxious. Both my cat and my boyfriend have memorized their lines perfectly to get me the f*ck out of the door and on my way. I wish that meant I could dispose of the theatrics, but they seem interwoven into my person.

The daily script:
The deadline approaches. I wander into my boyfriend's home office and pull him (quite literally, his chair, conveniently, has wheels) away from his work, I curl up in his lap, as close to the fetal position as a full-grown adult can manage. I throw my head back and proclaim, "It's THAT time." This is said with the same inflection that one would inform their child that the asteroid will, in fact, be colliding with the planet, snuffing out the sun, at any moment.

He informs me what I already know, "You will feel so much better when you get done."

I inform him that, although what he said is common knowledge and I accept that, it makes my march into Mordor no easier a burden.

Several large sighs escape me before I begrudgingly let The Boy get back to his computer. I grab my things and go to yoga, telling myself the whole time that if I feel like sleeping through the entire floor series today, it is okay.

*Class* (cue fairy music)

After class I am energized. I am glad I rode my bike. I contemplate on the way home how freeing bicycling is. I decide dinner should be juice today. I am turning over a new leaf. Nothing but salads for a week. I could do a double (two yoga classes) tomorrow!

I realize I do this every time. Better to think realistically. Maybe dinner tonight just won't include a starch.

Halfway home my tummy grumbles and I think of ice cream. It's okay though, there are good alternatives. I could have some Italian ice before my salad. Five minutes later, it's sorbet. Five more minutes, it's gellato. Two minutes more and it's a scoop of rocky road, a scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough and a scoop of strawberry cheesecake ice cream, all topped with fudge. Whipped cream is a must, but we can balance it out with a banana...I should have some potassium for all the work I did.

I arrive at home happy, with plans to make a seven course meal. Now that I think of it, no wonder The Boy is so encouraging of my yoga habit.


  1. You are absolutely delightful. Did you draw these pictures yourself? There is only one plot thread that's been left hanging - I was waiting to find out what the cat's lines were in the daily boyfriend-girl-cat motivation routine.

  2. YES! What role does the cat play? This is a funny, often touching, entry.

    I DARE any of us yogis to come into the hot room merrily waving our rolled-up mats like batons! I double-dare us to do it (AGAIN!)upon finishing class!

  3. Excellent point! Sidney, my darling cat, runs like heck! Once I'm curled up in The Boy's lap she stares at me the way animals do when they know their owner is ill. Oddly appropriate.

  4. @ thedancingj: Your standing bow is beautiful; your spine arches so tight you're going to end up with your armpit hitting your butt! WANT! :)

  5. @ Sean: You make me blush! Between you and Bleu how am I ever going to achieve humbleness?

  6. @ thedancingj: Oh, and yes, I draw these myself. I'm a graphic designer & illustrator in the real world. :)

  7. Hi Kate! I just stumbled across your blog. You've got a great talent for writing! I can SO relate to the italian ice -> sorbet -> ice cream extravaganza -> seven course meal thought process... and then in the end I usually make whole wheat pizza/garlic bread with a salad, my boring, but healthy enough staple :)

    I hope to read more from you!

  8. @ Simmm: Oooh, that pizza sounds excellent! That might be my new staple too! If you make the crust, care to share the recipe? PS: Glad you found me! I get so excited when I get new readers. Seriously, a snoopy-dance has already been done in your honor. :)

  9. Meow! Hi Kit Kat!
    I love reading your blog, very funny.
    It is nice to know that whenever I am missing you, I can read your blog and be somewhat satiated in my need for kit kat-ness. Only somewhat- are you going to be in MI anytime soon? It really has been too long.

  10. My Amy!!! Oh, darling, it HAS been too long! Yes, I am in Detroit soon we will have to make plans! An email will be coming your way as soon as we nail down specifics (sometime next week). MEOW!!! PS Thanks for reading, IMMD!

  11. Hi Kate, sorry for the late reply! I cheat with the pizza crust, so it ends up being a quick meal! I simply use a whole grain tortilla instead of dough. I make two pizzas per person, because obviously they're not as filling... The best bit is that they only go in the oven until the cheese melts, so only a couple of minutes. (I use Trader Joe's little mozzarella balls, yummm.)

    PS: I don't think anybody has ever done a snoopy-dance for me, so thank you :))

  12. Hi Simmm! Im not exactly Speedy Gonzales myself! Sounds like a fantastic quick meal. Think I'll make this tonight! Thanks!

  13. You're welcome! If you're like me and like the thin italian-style pizza, you'll hopefully enjoy this :)

  14. This one had me giggling the whole way through! I would often fight going to class and I found the best motivator was a roommate who, when I stated my desire to skip class, would reply with "then stay home." Every time she said that I got my ass out the door right away! I have skipped merrily into class before, but those classes I usually don't skip on the way out. I pushed myself so hard and drained every ounce of my energy from the cells in my body except for the one brain cell that said "EAT NOW!"