Thursday, December 13, 2012

A Cunning Plan

My hips are opening. My teachers say so. What this evidently means is that my triangle hurts like the ruddy dickens. It didn't hurt before my hips started to open. In fact, triangle and I were buds. Maybe not besties, but if triangle was moving, I would totally show up to move the couch in exchange for pizza and beers.

That happens periodically. In exactly this order:
  1. I hate a pose.
  2. I struggle with the pose.
  3. I get angry in the pose.
  4. I figure out what I am doing wrong. A sudden light is shown on the pose and I feel as if a miracle has happened. Jesus-rays* shine down on me while I am in that pose, despite the fact that I am in an enclosed building. There may be angels singing. I imagine I see a tear of joy falling from my teacher's eye.
  5. I get confidence up. I believe I have nailed the pose.
  6. A week later I discover a muscle not contracted. Or a light-space where there should be none. Or a joint out of line.
  7. Repeat steps 1-7

For this recent struggle with triangle, my hips were rolling, so I wasn't stretching some inner bit somewhere. So, now, I learn to be calm in that pose. It's the hardest part of step 3, and I won't usually get to step 4 until I do.

But not this time. This time I am taking a shortcut. Instead of being calm, I have a cunning plan, a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a fox.**

Instead of taking weeks, months, years, to open my hips, I should have a baby. Yup. Hip opening in 3-24 hours (if you discount the 9 months of gestation). I have gotten one of my teachers to agree to adopt the child once my hips are opened.

Oh, get your panties un-bunched! I won't forget to be grateful to the little guy; I figure a "thank-you for the triangle" card once a year should do it.

Now, off to discuss my plan with The Boy! I am sure he will be thrilled!

*Those directional lights coming from the clouds that show up most prevelantly in Christian inspirational artwork.

**If you know where this quote is from, we must meet for lunch. We may be long-lost besties. If you do not know where this is from, look it up, watch some videos. You are welcome.

7 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. *pouts* You just don't want me to succeed. You never let me do ANYTHING! *stomps off in anger*

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  2. HAHAHAHA!!! Great idea, however, it might not work in the long run (see here: http://yogachronicle.blogspot.com/2011/05/starting-from-scratch-again.html). Apparently the hormone that makes it all happen is called relaxin and the levels go back to normal after delivery... so all the gumbiness is lost again pffft!

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    1. HA! Love it! I wasn't even thinking about the relaxin, I was thinking about the physical spreading of the hips when the baby passes through, which Danielle didn't get because she had a c-section, that shit never goes 100% back. My hips would be open FOREVER! MWAHAHAHA!

      You did find a flaw in my plan though, if my pregnancy culminated in a c-section all would be for naught. Damn. Back to the drawing board. ;)

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  3. BLACKADDER!!!!

    And it is a cunning plan! Triangle won't see it coming! But since it looks like The Boy isn't into it, have you considered surgery?

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    1. Dorothy, I think we would get along famously. Is it odd that I poo-poo the idea of cosmetic surgery but would contemplate surgery for triangle. Best not to think of these things, I have calls to make. *Googles "ligament surgery"*

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