I Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Affectations

I now own my first Lululemon  hoodie, although, now being indoctrinated, I do not call this a hoodie but a, "scuba." My hoodie in no way resembles diving gear, so I have no idea why I call it a "scuba" except that the sign at the warehouse-sale listed it as such. The new name for the familiar item of clothing is comparable to a 'grande' at Starbucks. If I ask for a medium I get that blank hampster-fell-off-the-wheel look. To avoid confusion I have just learned to replace my nouns with whatever the marketers tell me to.

I adore my scuba, yet live in shame that I am now the owner of a $70 hoodie. Excuse me -- scuba. Now I will attempt to justify this cost.

LLL scubas are unique in several aspects:

1. They are long, preventing coin-slot. (A feature worth at least $10. I like a warm bum.)
2. They have thumb-holes.* (These can be created for free, but then you have to hem them. My time is worth $65/hr. I am a bad seamstress. $90 feature)
3. They actually have curvature -- going in at the waist, rather than hanging limply around the middle and squeezing the bejezus out of my hips. (not walking like a penguin is worth $10 to me)
4. The signature logo smeared all across the front, although a bewilderingly bad logo, is fantastic at showing off those curves. I am suspicious that the logo was only created in order to sell 'scubas'. ( -$40, I hate being a billboard; even a curvy one.)
5. The materials are amazingly high quality. The fabric is so thick and soft it could take bullets. Do not test this theory.** (I hear kevlar is expensive; $80. I'm going to take the high road and avoid pot-shots at the cities I have/do live in *achem, Detroit*)

My scuba also comes with a feature that leaves me flummoxed. The  sleeves detach. The brushed metal buttons holding them on are esthetically meaningful, adding that je ne sais quoi...'I may be over 30 and wearing Lululemon, but I'm still tough,'  but I can not think of a time I ever wore a hoodie and thought, "this would be perfect, if only it didn't have sleeves."

I have thought of removing the sleeves just for the sake of utilizing all the features of my LLL scuba (I mean, isn't it wasteful not to?) but the look is rather like a tailored version of an 80's muscle-T. I would be forced to complete the outfit by lurching forward with a wide-set gait, knuckles inches from the ground, grunting. This sounds like a lot of work so, for now, I will utilize all the features except the neanderthal impersonator.

Lookin' good in my LLL muscle scuba

I still love my ridiculous hoodie. Scuba. Whatever. Don't judge.

This is supposed to be Jon Stewart. He disproves of my $70 hoodie. Why Jon Stewart? Because I was watching The Daily Show and wondering if I could do portraiture. That's why.

*Why has it taken snow-board companies and LLL this long to catch on? I was WAY ahead of my time. In high-school, my best friend and I spent many an afternoon gnawing holes into our sleeves to poke our thumbs out of.

**LLL scubas are not to be worn in place of kevlar vests.